The concept of conformity involves changing one’s behavior to “fit in” or otherwise not stand out. It’s human nature; there’s a lot of comfort in being part of the herd and going with the flow. But when it comes to many of life’s endeavors, aligning ourselves with the “average person” may be detrimental to our future. Below we outline ways to find your sense of individuality and to know thyself…
“It’s weird not to be weird.”
John Lennon
Golf and Football
Let’s take a look at an example that might sound familiar. At work on a Monday, it’s far from exceptional to hear a group of guys outside my office door talking about golf and/or football, depending on the season. It’s remarkable: nearly every guy at my office appears to have individually found a love for both golf and football!
Is there anything wrong with enjoying either of these sports? Of course not! I’ve actually played and watched both in past years.
Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that if all of us grew up in a social vacuum, perhaps fewer of these guys would be spending their weekends on golf and football.
Seriously, have you ever played golf? It’s incredibly frustrating! You have to do at least 43 movements perfectly to hit a ball anywhere near where you intend, and it takes a lot of practice. And on top of all that, you have to wear polo shirts and khakis! Humans have a tendency toward inertia (fancy for laziness), so I somehow doubt many folks would be naturally drawn toward dressing up and hitting a small ball into alligator-infested tall grasses. Except driving ranges. Those are great.
The Monday Conversation
But getting back to social influence, take my Monday situation. I’ve been climbing all weekend, and no one understands a damn thing about that. But if I start talking about that last-second game-winning touchdown pass, almost anyone’s eyes will light up. Instant conversation!
Me: Oh, hey Bill. Duuudddeee. Did you see that pass?? Mind bloowwnnn.”
Bill: “Yeah! Do you have 15 minutes to discuss the rest of the game? We will make great colleagues!”
Contrast that with me giving the Accounts Payable lady a blow-by-blow spray-down of the moves on my project:
Me: “Oh, hey Cindy! Yeah, my weekend was great — I made a huge link on my proj! The big gaston was killing me all last weekend, but this time I really focused on applying tension all the way through the movement on the back-flag. Now I just need to figure out the clipping stance at the fourth bolt, and I’ll be clipping the chains. Humidity might be a little high this weekend though. Thanks for asking Cindy!”
Cindy: “Oh.”
Getting Ahead
In my career in oil and gas, my (modern) lack of interest in football and golf has likely been detrimental to my career. For example, there’s at least one industry golf tournament each year, and the vast majority of my co-workers (particularly male) sign up and participate. Each year I’m asked to participate, and each year I decline without a second’s hesitation.
Shouldn’t I just sign up and spend time with my co-workers, rub a few elbows, network, and have fun in a non-work setting? Maybe. But I know myself: I don’t golf, and there’s very little overlap in the Venn diagram of our interests. It should be obvious to the readers of this site that I’m also not concerned with clawing my way up the corporate ladder, so I gladly skip it.
But lots of people participate in these sorts of events completely against their will! I know this because they tell me. It usually goes something like this:
“Are you going to the tournament? I’m not really into golf, but I feel like people will notice if I’m not there.”
If you suck at your job, you should probably go golf. Because if you suck at your job and people don’t like you, well…
But if you do good work and people respect you, you’ll do just fine. Sure, you may never be CEO, but you won’t be fired for not dragging yourself to every networking event. They’ll know you as the strong-willed individual with a sense of personal integrity. Maybe not management-track material, but strong-willed nonetheless. Obviously, if you love these sort of events, disregard the ramblings of this introvert.
“Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.”
Henry David Thoreau
Individuality: Past and Present
Consider the late Apple, Inc. co-founder Steve Jobs. I obviously didn’t know Mr. Jobs personally, but from what has been written of him, he was a “bizarre” dude. His background in the philosophies of Zen and Buddhism — and perhaps his penchant for LSD — influenced his design vision at Apple. He was also known to be at-times ruthless in his pursuit of the next great product. This “weirdo” led Apple to be one of the most profitable companies in history, based largely on his unique product and marketing innovations. No one can argue that Steve Jobs didn’t have a unique sense of individuality.
History is filled with many more people with a strong sense of individuality — those who stood for something unique and different — so why do we feel so content with a chameleon existence?
The answer is simple: Comfort. When you act differently, you stand out. When every other person asks me about the golf tournament, it’s hard to continue saying no. If I go home and visit family and everyone looks at me like I have three heads because I’m doing a core workout in the next room, that’s difficult too. It’s uncomfortable to strive for individuality in this world.
When I first started focusing on losing weight 15 years ago, I was teased when I asked for a to-go box at a restaurant. Others in your social sphere want to be justified in their decisions — in this case, eating all their food — and they don’t like you going against the grain. Most people make easy choices to avoid even minor challenges, and being surrounded by someone making difficult choices to live a better life is threatening to them.
Herd Mentality: Lacking Individuality
My point of all this is to examine the ways we do things to not “stand out” as different. I picked on golf and football here, and surely the blood is boiling in the fans of those sports. And I get it, pure individuality is practically non-existent. We all exhibit conformist behaviors to some degree.
But many people put so much effort into fitting in that they never truly understand who they actually are. Where can you show a sense of individuality? I’ve found that speaking my mind at work –often critically — has surprisingly had a positive impact on my career! Once the Mrs. and I got to a strong financial position in the last year or so, I frankly started leaning back on the concept of F-You Money.
Instead of nodding and agreeing with someone’s ludicrous idea destined for failure (as I did earlier in my career), I started speaking up and openly disagreeing. I thought I was certainly doomed to get canned (and I didn’t particularly care), but the opposite occurred. I started being asked directly for my thoughts more often, and given praise for my candid and thoughtful opinions. What?? You see, we spend so much time and effort trying to impress, while the world is looking for us to be us. Fascinating.
Hell, this entire concept of financial independence goes against the grain!
Individuality By The Numbers
Here are some stats on the average American. Do you really want to fit in with the herd?
- 72% of adults aged 20 and over are overweight. 40% are obese.
- The average savings rate is 6%. At a savings rate of 6%, the working life of that individual is 62 years! That assumes we are starting at $0 net worth with no debt.
- 56% of job losses are employer-driven for those in their 50s. In other words, people are not getting to choose when they retire. I’d expect this number to continue to rise.
- 62% of Americans report money as the most common source of stress, just behind “the future of our nation”, at 63%.
- According to the World Happiness Report of 2018, America’s happiness index is very low for developed nations, and continually falling.
Summary
We’re all evolutionary suckers deep down. But the more you know about your human tendencies, the more power you have to fight the good fight. The next time you make a major life decision — to make a big purchase, to get a dog, to have a kid, or to swipe right — ask yourself if this decision is being made to add value to your life. If you’re living to impress, you’ll always be chasing the carrot.