Help! My Significant Other Is Terrible with Money!

I stand up on my bike pedals in the fading sun of a late spring afternoon. Facing what feels like gale-force winds, I can’t wait to get home and have a discussion with my significant other, who just so happens to be my wife.

We’ve been texting all day, popping off with ridiculous reinterpreted and borderline inappropriate emojis. I told her about how my boss, who in a very important meeting discussing a new research project, explained to a company executive from Houston…
 

“Well Gary, this stuff is complicated. It’s like trying to figure out your wife.”

Fortunately, I understand my wife fairly well. She is rooted in a strong desire for security, so something like financial stability is very appealing to her. This day at work in 2015, I’ve been reading Mr. Money Mustache, like all day. I’m convinced that we can now super-charge our path to a corporate exit, and we can make work an optional part of our lives, forever. Now, I just have to do some convincing.

This should be easy, right?

Do Partners Think Alike?

Back in 1953, as I sliced into my Tuesday night Easy-Bake turkey, pausing as the drippings flowed onto the plate, I might have begun a discussion of how my wife would be expected to vote in the upcoming election. Or I might have said, folding my napkin over my suit pants, “hey doll, I’ve been promoted at work. Let’s celebrate with some necking.”

Mrs. CC might have fluttered her eyes, adjusted her bun, and then slid her hands graciously down her flower print apron, responding, “My heavens! Can we finally buy that Cadillac we’ve been eyeing down at Jones’ Auto? Whadya say, hon, whadya say?!”

Back to Reality

Well, this isn’t 1953. Up until earlier this year, both Mrs. CC and I left each and every weekday morning for our jobs in the big city. We slid into clothes that we wouldn’t otherwise wear, at an hour we wouldn’t otherwise be awake, and spoke of our weekends to people who couldn’t possibly relate.

I’m going to brag on my wife for a minute, because she would never do it herself.

Mrs. CC, perhaps like you or your significant other, is a boss at the workplace. She isn’t a boss because she carries a bunch of swagger or barks orders. No, not at all. She’s a boss because she is a highly effective employee, one who actually works.

That being said, it’s fair to understand how the modern couple might have a difference of opinion on how money should be spent. Sure, I was making a great salary, but so was Mrs. CC. I can’t just walk in the door and tell her about how money is or is not going to be spent. Mrs. CC’s opinion on our financial outlook carries equal weight.

Non-Working Significant Other

All right stay-at-home people, before you throw a stuffed bear or used Pamper at me in disgust, I haven’t forgotten about you.

Getting a vote in the finances of a home is not at all limited to the working household members. I don’t care who earns most or all of the money. You entered into a binding agreement with your significant other, and it’s time all partners get an equal share in major financial decisions.

The Shift: Getting My Significant Other to Embrace Financial Independence

When I first proposed to my wife that we consider drastically increasing our savings rate—and investing all of those savings—she didn’t immediately see the value. As a naturally frugal couple with good salaries, we were already saving a reasonable amount of our income without being very intentional.

What’s the point in getting all agro about saving?

Here are our suggestions for making the switch:

What are the motivations for your significant other?

What are the elements of contentment for you and your partner?

For my wife and I back in early 2015, we knew we were facing a very uncertain future in terms of job security. We knew that even if we continued on our path of reasonable savings, a sudden job elimination would dramatically change our financial landscape. We wanted to build a snowball system to get our savings compounding like Jack’s beanstalk. To this point, we were largely sticking our savings in traditional checking and savings accounts, generating virtually no return.

Do you love your job and feel it’s secure? Have you ever challenged yourself to imagine how that situation might change? Are you financially prepared if it does? What’s the next Black Swan Event, ala pandemic, that we won’t see coming?

Are you a parent who feels you don’t spend enough time with your children?

Does life in the big city or large corporation feel inflexible or limiting? What is it about that existence that is challenging? I wanted less concrete, less slacks, less shoe polish, and more nature. I wanted to design my day and design work that mattered to me. But I knew I needed to earn it through effort.

Is there simply some other work that you’d rather pursue? Perhaps there’s a job that provides meaning in absence of a high salary? Would you do that work if money didn’t matter?

What are you afraid of?

Deprivation

It’s often believed that a high savings rate requires a life of deprivation. And in some cases, I agree. I think the FIRE movement has a messaging problem around unsustainable frugality. That said, someone who can check their spending and question the value behind every purchase will absolutely come out ahead in this life.

For a couple accustomed to big nights on the town, Sunday brunches, or regular restaurant meals, is a change here acceptable? Is a change here even necessary?

For instance, is there a path to increasing income that might help to preserve a desired level of spending?

When I first proposed that we stop eating out so often, my wife was hesitant. After all, nights on the town signified an end to the stressful work week, a chance to unwind, and an opportunity for someone else to scrape enchiladas del mar off our plates.

Upon further reflection, we often realize that it’s not the meal or the drinks that holds the most value. Almost always, time spent with people we enjoy is the root of satisfaction in the experience. Plus, I can make a whiskey on the rocks with the best of them.

We began building a system of well-crafted meals and experiences together at home, or with friends we invited over, something I described in this post: On Deprivation: Food. We continued to go out, albeit less frequently. When we did, the experience carried a new sense of heightened value. Something that was once commonplace is now novel. And novelty enhances joy.

The Perception of Novelty

True story, as an aside. In my college years in western North Carolina, there were rumors of a mystical and mysterious beer, found only far from the western shores of the Mississippi River. Brave souls venturing west to the vast and savage Boulder, Colorado area returned with a coveted six pack of Fat Tire, an otherwise middle-of-the-road amber ale by New Belgium Brewing. Anyone who returned with excess Fat Tires were paraded through the streets and fanned with Appalachian Rhododendron leaves. The novelty of a beer not readily available to us created a hype.

Now, New Belgium built a truly massive brewery in my hometown of Asheville, NC. You can buy Fat Tire anywhere! It’s still a decent beer, but the novelty has worn off.

Investing

Going all-in on investing is likely to be a substantial barrier for you or your significant other. Wealth is very rarely achieved through traditional savings, buying the occasional hot stock, or investing when timing is “right.” Those who reliably and consistently achieve and preserve wealth are those who save a high portion of their income and invest most or all of those savings into a diversified and low-risk investment, generating at least 5% in annualized returns.

It’s simple, but it took some convincing for us both to shift from money piling up in a traditional checking or savings account (feels safe), to switching to investing (feels unsafe).

Eventually investing starts to carry less and less of an air of gambling. We soon began to get so excited about investing that we admittedly went too far, falling for unsustainable frugality in an effort to maximize our investing potential. You can find the bottom, but I wouldn’t stay there long.

If you need help convincing a spouse, let them stare at this chart of our favorite index fund, VTSAX. Despite the many hiccups along the way, wouldn’t you want to ride that train for the long-haul? Will it last?

The Long Game with Your Significant Other

The final piece to understand is that this is a long game. That said, you get at least some say in how long you ride the train, and you can get off at any time!

Sure, you might buy a one-way ticket to full financial independence. It might make sense to snuggle up in the sleeper car, sleeping easily as the train bounces gently and rhythmically along the rails.

But hell, you might tell the conductor to wake your ass up at 4 am instead! Bleary-eyed, you might find that having five years of living expenses and a cup of coffee is enough to get on with the day! After slamming that rich espresso of financial stability, you might say,

“You know what, damnit, I always wanted to be a librarian.”

Don’t get bogged down in full financial independence. While I’m very happy we rode the train to the end of the line, we probably could have gotten off a few stops earlier and enjoyed a long walk instead, basking in dawn’s early light.

I’m going to be doing something productive that probably pays in my future. Is early retirement necessary to have the flexibility of choice?

Summary

So, you have a significant other who isn’t really on board with this whole savings and investing thing. Here are our suggestions:

• Find the key elements of your shared contentment. Do you and your significant other need things and expensive experiences to feel satisfied with life, or are those fleeting dopamine hits to the dome? Have a conversation and write it down.
• What is your significant other afraid of? Is he or she afraid of comparison culture or a life of deprivation? Does the stock market make you wet yourself just a little? A few drops? That’s ok. Fully explore these topics to gain comfort, and draw lines in the sand on risk. Challenge your significant other to spend some time researching the basics of passive investing. If there is still too much uncertainty, nothing more is required of you. Know thyself.
• Understand the spectrum. In most cases, full financial independence is unnecessary for someone who still has many traditional working years remaining. For anyone under, say, age 50, full financial independence may be far from necessary to achieving a rich and rewarding lifestyle. That said, we should all be considering and eventually striving for full financial independence. At some point, no one will continue paying for our services.
• Finally, maybe you just live a financially separate life. I’m biased against that strategy, but hey, it occasionally gets the job done.

How have you been able to convince your significant other on the fruits of financial stability?

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Remember, the best laid plans mean nothing if you can’t take action today. Have questions? Need some feedback? Hit us up on the Contact page.

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Thanks guys, see you next week.