The Problem with Bucket Lists and How to Be Happy with Less

It’s often said that happiness equals what you have minus (or sometimes divided by) what you want. When our wants are many, what we have is of little consequence. That is why there are hordes of unhappy millionaires and high achievers who quietly suffer (yes, suffer) under the weight of lofty and insatiable desires and ambitions. Western ideals place great importance on the “haves.” And despite an anecdotal feeling that my greater social circle is less materialistic, I’m less certain that we’ve diminished our appetite for having things. The things look and feel different. Less like fancy watches or cars or gaudy showings of riches and more like spreadsheets full of countries and crags unvisited, food not tasted, status not yet achieved, or routes not sent. We believe subconsciously or otherwise that by checking items off our bucket list we will arrive at some sense of blissful satisfaction. But biology and evolution suggest otherwise.

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The Climbing Bucket List

As a new climber in a Houston area sweaty climbing gym, I watched with awe those who swung from jugs in the lead cave. Cutting feet and flagging and clipping closely spaced bolts on the old-school concrete walls. I wanted to be doing that and was certain that when I did I’d be content not just as a climber, but as a person. There were a handful of folks in that gym who had even climbed 5.12 outside. It was an achievement that in my naïve view set you in a cadre of the elite, respected, and therefore satisfied.

Fast forward a couple of short years and I was one of the Tuesday and Thursday night regulars. Sweaty and huffing and clipping the chains of lead routes in the cave. A year or two later I was climbing well outside and rapidly progressing through the grades, knocking off routes on my bucket list. I was not content as a climber and I was far from satisfied. I thought it would be higher grades and more routes crossed off the list. It wasn’t. Oof.

HAPPINESS = WHAT YOU HAVE – WHAT YOU WANT

The Bucket List: The Evolutionary Origins of the Achievement Trap

What does this have to do with bucket lists? When we build a life centered on achievement we are focused on the wrong side of the happiness equation. We are cultivating a list of hopeful haves instead of reducing our list of wants.

Bucket lists are a list of dreams. But in Arthur C. Brook’s essay How to Want Less, he tells us that “dreams are liars.” Because when dreams come true, we are happy only for a short time. Then a new dream appears and our idea of equilibrium is reset. We have more haves but we keep wanting more wants.

This idea of equilibrium or homeostasis is the core tenant of what many social scientists and bloggers call the hedonic treadmill. The idea is generally attributed to material or status ambitions, also known as “Keeping up with the Joneses.” But this primordial biological process is also the hidden driver behind the desire to cross off entries on our bucket list. This explains why drinks at dinner can with time slip from one to two. And why pharmaceutical drugs stop helping us hurt less and may in fact cause greater harm when we push doses higher to achieve that initial feeling of euphoria or relief from pain.

At first, we seek to feel good. Then we seek more to keep feeling good. As we continue to equilibrate, we eventually seek to avoid feeling awful.  

Social Comparison and the Bucket List

The early pandemic lockdowns offered a powerful and rare insight into the phenomena of social comparison. In the early days when we were all stuck at home, I and many others experienced an oddly peaceful bliss in doing nothing and going nowhere*. Suddenly and without warning, we had no choice but to stay home. But unlike an injury or a grounding by scolding parents, we weren’t home alone while the world continued on without us. With few exceptions, we were all home together and doing nothing, together. The fear of missing out was completely absent. And it felt good. Until the world opened back up and we went back to seeing what everyone else was doing. Oof.

(*I realize this experience was not universal. The learnings may apply best to those who did not live alone and who were not prone to extroversion.)

Social comparison is deeply rooted in our earliest development as humans. To attract and compete for mates early humans adorned themselves with pelts and furs, primitive trophies. Those who were strong and healthy were considered capable of offering security against a cold, brutal, and lawless world. They were viewed more favorably and were therefore more likely to pass on their genes. Today the world has changed faster than our primitive instincts have evolved. We still want to be running on our treadmills faster than the next person. We are competing for limited resources in a now-resourced world. Competition is built into the fabric of humanity and cultivated from a former world. A world where having more meant the difference between life and death. 

At first, we seek to feel good. Then we seek more to keep feeling good. As we continue to equilibrate, we eventually seek to avoid feeling awful.  

Dissatisfaction and Pessimism Is Universal

Another evolutionary card stacked against us is our inherent bias toward dissatisfaction and pessimism. Pessimism kept us from resting on our laurels. It kept us innovating and ahead of risk. Those most dissatisfied with their lot worked hard to improve it. They again were thus likely to survive, attract mates, and pass on their genes. As the world evolved and progress greatly reduced suffering and death, the tendency toward dissatisfaction and pessimism did not markedly change as the quality of life improved. 

That’s why we still tend to find problems where few or none exist. This theory is known as prevalence-induced concept change, or the Blue Dot Effect. That’s also why when asked about life satisfaction, respondents in numerous surveys and studies routinely mark their real-time satisfaction lower than their overall life satisfaction. That is, at any given moment we’re left wanting more even though we rank our lives as pretty good overall.

The Problem with the Bucket List

To appease our inherent biological and instinctive drives in the modern world, we build lists. We build lists of places to visit and goals to achieve. And this is not inherently bad. We’ve probably all traveled to a place or done an activity based on the idea that it would bring pleasure. And we were probably right. The problem is not in pursuing a list of desired experiences. Experiences are associated with happiness, after all. The problem is that such a list keeps us in a state of dissatisfaction with our everyday life.

Daily Life Isn’t Good Enough

When we view life as lived only through checking off accomplishments on a list, we are sending a signal to our brain that normal life is not good enough. A trip to see the Eiffel Tower is something worthy of wonder and marvel. But a walk around the neighborhood block is merely something to pass the time until we get to live again. And the more we chase these golden experiences the less they shine due to the normalizing powers of homeostasis. You might never forget your first international experience, but a forty-fifth may not be so vivid.

Spontaneity is Hampered

Another issue is that living under the directive of a bucket list inhibits our ability to be spontaneous. As an example, in years past when I traveled with my wife we’d begin in a manner familiar to most: Pick a place to visit, research, book the trip, and travel. But when we discovered the wonderful world of credit card rewards, we accidentally stumbled upon an even better way to travel: Let the point deals dictate our destination. By traveling based on some degree of randomness as opposed to an expectation, we found the experience much more thrilling and satisfying. In some cases, we knew little of our destination and spent scant time or effort researching. We arrived and simply experienced the place like sponges, soaking up the mundane of life somewhere else new and different.

Another example comes from a man who created what he called a “Fuck It” list. He catalogued travel ideas that were compelling but ultimately distracting (his criteria for this list are not clear). Because the man had already decided that he couldn’t do everything, he had no qualms about tacking on an additional 1,000 miles to his 370-mile trek on the Camino Portugues after reaching the terminus and deciding he could go for more. Because he didn’t have a bucket list drawing him onto the next trophy experience he was free to follow instinct. He was not burdened by neglected goals yet unrealized.

The Burden of Short-Term Satisfaction

The truth is that it’s rather difficult to find and maintain satisfaction in daily life. It’s much easier to book a trip and put the burden of entertainment and fulfillment, at least for a time, on another place, culture, or experience. Daily life is as we’ve already discussed associated with some degree of dissatisfaction for most. There’s work, child-rearing, challenging relationships, or the simmering stew of difficult thoughts and emotions. By building a bucket list we side-step the process of improving daily life for the short-lived satisfaction of marking off another achievement. This is especially true if choosing and pursuing experiences on the perceived reception of others. Ask yourself honestly: Would you do the thing you want to do if you couldn’t share with others in any way?

Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation

The idea of motivation is a critically important dividing line in this conversation. Let’s take the climber, for example. Working hard to send a route outside one’s comfort zone could be an incredibly healthy challenge. The process could indeed boost overall happiness and well-being if the intention is self-improvement. That’s how it’s often billed by those who seek hard projects. Many believe the pursuit to be intrinsic, or in other words, pursued for self-enjoyment, growth, or personal satisfaction. However, if the motivation is extrinsic—and I’d argue it often is—the goal is external reward or validation. When our motivations are extrinsic the outcome is the only important element of the process. Either we do it and are winners, or we don’t and are failures.

The same example can be applied to travel. New experiences in strange and different lands are incredibly beneficial, but only if done for the right reasons. If we travel for extrinsic reasons—to share on social media or a blog in hopes of being perceived in some sort of positive light, we will fail to find happiness in this pursuit.

Testing the Motivation

Here’s a test to determine if motivations are intrinsic or extrinsic. For the climbers, try abandoning public displays of outcomes such as social media or online databases like Mountain Project or 8a.nu. Or if using one or more of these databases (I do), try making entries private. If you feel strongly compelled to share the positive outcome of an achievement, the motivation is likely more extrinsic. If you are satisfied that no one (other than your spotter or belayer) knows what you’ve achieved, the motivation is likely intrinsic.

To dig a little deeper, imagine sending a route requiring some degree of unusual effort several levels below your peak. Maybe doing this route requires overcoming some form of technical, mental, or physical inadequacy. Those intrinsic achievements can be greatly satisfying and useful. But the kind of extrinsic validation rewarded by online databases can sway us into the torment of dissatisfaction and comparison. By continually seeking pedestal-worthy achievements we may miss opportunities for satisfying and enduring personal growth.

The same goes for travel. If copious time is spent imagining photos or written accounts on a public forum like a blog or social media, the motivations are likely extrinsic. Therefore the pursuit is less likely to bring lasting satisfaction. Try going on a trip and not sharing anything publicly.

And let’s be clear: not all extrinsic motivations are inherently bad. For instance, extrinsic motivation is useful for completing unpleasant tasks like washing dishes to avoid the wrath of a spouse. We can also use the power of extrinsic motivation to push ourselves through the powers of accountability if we’ve publicly shared a goal. But if validation and approval are ultimately what we seek, continuing to tick these goals off our list will keep us forever chasing our tail and endlessly unsatisfied.

Trust me, I know.

The Reverse Bucket List: Managing Wants

So we get back to a fundamental tenant of contentment. The secret lies not in increasing haves, but in managing wants. When our wants are many, contentment will forever evade us. We will run in metaphoric circles, chasing the carrot that hangs just out of reach on a string. But when our wants are few and readily satisfied we are more likely to find enduring satisfaction.

Brooks recommends that we create the inverse of a bucket list, or a reverse bucket list. First, he suggests we should begin by creating a list of our wants and attachments. This process requires a high degree of self-awareness and honesty. These aren’t trip ideas or goals routes. This list should include weaknesses and almost always revolve around one of the key vices that we all harbor. These classic vices include desires for money, fame (status), pleasure, or power.

My Reverse Bucket List

When I started this website in 2018, I might have written that I wanted to have a certain amount of page views and revenue in two years. Those things felt important to me at the time. Like Brooks, I share a strong desire to have others admire me for my work. I want to do hard rock climbs because I feel I have a higher status within my community for doing so, rightly or wrongly. As such, I believe a desire for status is likely my primary vice.

The next phase of this exercise involves us imagining ourselves in five years. We are happy and content, living purposeful and meaningful lives. What would it take for us to get to this point? This is the list I’ve been chewing on for over three years.

I know now that no amount of on-paper progress in sport (i.e., higher grades) will make me happy. But days spent out with friends in nature will. Learning and progressing in subtle ways, including improving in different climbing styles well below my max grade on paper also provides more lasting satisfaction.

I get no lasting happiness from website page views or revenue. Any positive feedback on my work is just as fleeting as redpoint celebrations. But the satisfaction of sharing and feeling part of a community—even if largely online—is deeply satisfying. What I’ve unexpectedly found is that the act of service and sharing what I’ve learned is immensely gratifying.

Finally, I’ve painfully come to terms with the fact that while I have a number of people I’d call friends in my life, I have shockingly few with whom I feel comfortable sharing personal struggles or true vulnerabilities. Research shows those with close friendships are happier than those who have none. No amount of page views, newsletter subscribers, or next-level redpoints is going to get me real and lasting friendships. These achievements are arguably directly at odds with these more meaningful ambitions of satisfaction. I don’t want to be that high-achieving climber or writer or podcaster who sits atop a throne of isolation and loneliness.

Reversing the Bucket List Mentality

So, this has been my grand pursuit of financial independence. We know money won’t bring incremental happiness after our basic needs and simple discretionary wants are satisfied. We won’t find lasting contentment by building bucket lists and crossing those items off, because new ambitions will always appear. Our best lives, paradoxically, are found not through addition but through subtraction. Reducing our wants is far more effective than increasing our haves.

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